As a former public speaking trainer, I had the challenging task of complimenting my students after they made 2-minute talks in front of our class. During the student's talk, I would search for something in their story that I admired, respected, liked, enjoyed, or appreciated. By consciously focusing on the good in the other person, I was able to give a sincere and highly-valued compliment by finding a positive quality and backing it up with evidence in their talk.
I've found that you can give honest and sincere compliment in your personal and professional lives just as easily as I did as a public speaking trainer. Here are some ways to help you get better at giving and receiving compliments so that you can begin building stronger relationships with other people in your own life:
1) GIVE COMPLIMENTS IMMEDIATELY:
If you respond quickly with a sincere compliment, the other person is not likely to feel that you are being premeditated and manipulative. The longer you wait to give a compliment, the more it seems forced or out of place. That's why it's important to strike while the iron is hot or to give your compliment before the emotion has long passed.
2) SPEAK IN SIMPLE TERMS:
If your compliment is too complicated, it can sound premeditated or designed to shift the focus away from the recipient and onto you, the giver. If the compliment is too over-the-top, then the receiver may feel uncomfortable with the compliment and doubt its authenticity or suspect your motive. The best thing to do here is to find a specific piece of evidence to justify your compliment and say it with the appropriate level of emotion.
3) FIND THE MORE UNIQUE COMPLIMENT:
The rule of thumb here is that the rarer compliment, the more valuable it will be perceived. In other words, if you want to impact another person with your compliment make sure that you don't state the obvious. Instead, identify something that is underappreciated, overlooked, or misunderstood about the other person in order to have a more highly-valued compliment. In addition, make sure that you don't overdo your compliments especially with people who you are out of rapport with. If you do, these people will naturally suspect that you're being what my younger friends call a "suck up."
4) MAKE IT A PUBLIC COMPLIMENT:
If the situation is appropriate, feel free to make your compliment in the presence of others. This will often have a more powerful effect on the receiver of your compliment than by just showing your appreciation in private. When I'm in a casual situation, I usually mix in a comment like, "I normally don't say this kind of thing but...." I do it this way to guarantee that the compliment is recognized without making it seem like I'm trying to take the credit for being such a nice guy.
5) TRY PUTTING IT IN WRITING:
Sometimes a message of support or appreciation in writing on a card or memo may have a more powerful and lasting effect on the recipient. You never know how many times a person may re-read and re-experience the joy of well-chosen words of kindness in their own privacy. I always keep a file of cards, notes, and emails from people who have complimented me in both my writing and tourism fields. Sometime I need to reread these kind words whenever I get down or forget about those who I do help.
6) FIND A WIDE ARRAY OF GOOD THINGS TO SAY:
Look for compliments in either: 1) appearance, 2) actions, 3) possessions, 4) character traits, or 5) sense of style or good taste. There are plenty of good things to compliment a person on, if you know where to look. For example, I am especially sensitive to people who appreciate my positive character traits (honesty, enthusiasm, warmth) or my tastes in possessions (cars, ties, investments) and lifestyle (restaurants, vacations, reads).
7) PASS ALONG GOOD NEWS:
A third-party compliment is when you pass along good news from another source. You do this by telling how other people have been impressed by an individual. By being specific and giving details, you can give the gift of a subtle sincere compliment even if you're not the original source. If anyone should be suspicious about this kind of compliment, it's easy to counter by saying, "It's not about me. I'm just the messenger passing something along."
8) ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS LIKE A GIFT:
When another person takes the time and effort to compliment you, don't toss it back in their face. Instead, be a gracious acceptor of the gift by simply making eye contact, smiling, and after a short pause saying "thank you." Otherwise, you may never receive another compliment from that person again. Even worse, you may hurt another person's feelings to the point where they don't want to associate with you much in the future.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Giving and receiving compliments is one of the simplest, yet most effective ways to improve your relationships with other people. It is also one of the most powerful mental and emotional shifts that any person can make for themselves in order to change their lives for the better.
Steve Nakamoto - "The Voice Of The Other Half"
iVillage.com's Ask Mr. Answer Man Relationship Expert
2-Time Writer's Digest Award-Winning Author
Author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man
Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Everyday Communication Success
Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love
http://www.SteveNakamoto.com
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