Whether we admit it or not, most of us are voyeurs when it comes to other people's relationships. We watch from a distance and shake our heads, wondering things like "what are they thinking" and "how can they do something so stupid"? How many times have you:
seen someone you care about be completely let down and hung out to dry by someone they thought they could depend upon?
seen families torn apart by disagreements over money?
pretended to like the significant other of a friend or family member even though you can barely stand to be in the same room with them?
disliked the significant other of a friend or family member, and felt certain that they were taking advantage of, being unkind to, or generally not treating your friend or family member well, yet you just kept your mouth shut to preserve the peace?
I'm willing to bet that these various scenarios are familiar to most of us.
No matter how many times we see these things happen to others, it never occurs to us that some day we might be the victim of such treatment ourselves. We are even less willing to consider the possibility that one of the people we trust most in the world or their family or friends would be the ones inflicting such pain. To be even more specific, the last person we would ever believe would deliberately hurt us is our significant other. After living together for awhile, we know we can count on our partner to be there when we need them and that things will just keep getting better. Everyone seems very supportive of the relationship. Life is good!
Unfortunately, statistics say that about 70% of cohabitating couples break up within five years of moving in together and chances are that not all partings are amicable. Even with these statistics, most couples who live together without being married fail to put into place even the most basic safeguards that would not only make it easier to deal with unplanned events, but can protect the relationship as well as the individual partners. For example:
If you are living with someone in a home or apartment and you aren't on the lease, aren't a co-owner, and not in their will, you may be in trouble. Did you know that if your significant other were to die suddenly that you will be at the mercy of their heirs? You will find out the hard way if their family didn't actually like you and just kept their mouths shut to preserve the peace. They could lock you out of the home or apartment you shared, refuse to repay you for any improvements you helped to make to the premises, and even refuse to allow you to remove any furniture, electronics, art work, china, crystal, books, etc. unless you can prove ownership.
If you and your significant other have a fight to end all fights and you aren't on the lease or are an owner in the home you lived in together, you could come home and find the locks changed and be allowed to remove only those items that you can prove are actually yours. Any monies you put into improving the home could be gone as well.
If you lose some or all of your possessions to a fire, hurricane, tornado, theft or other events, do you have a "your, mine and ours" inventory of possessions to document who owns what for insurance purposes?
If you and your partner acquire a pet while you're together and you break up, who takes over its care? If you don't put it in writing, could your much-loved pet be used as a weapon should something go wrong in the relationship?
These are just a few of the things you and your partner should not only discuss, but should put into writing to avoid some of the pitfalls listed above. Too many of us disconnect our brain when we fall in love and refuse to even consider the possibility that one or both partners may someday fall out of love with each other.
More importantly, no one wants to contemplate that the person we think of as being our soul mate could become malicious, vindictive, or spiteful if the love were to disappear. However, the truth of the matter is that there are more hostile break-ups than amicable ones. The person being left is seldom motivated to be on their best behavior when their heart is broken.
Knowing the realities of the human heart and the likelihood that all reason will fly out the door when it is broken, it is beyond foolhardy to cohabitate with your significant other without discussing the many issues that can arise while living together. It is irresponsible not to put some written safeguards into place that would protect both of you were the unexpected to happen. No one who really cares about you will refuse to put into place the protections that will be important to you both when life doesn't turn out as planned. If anyone asks you to move in with them but refuses to plan for the unexpected events in life, run as fast as you can in the other direction.
Deb Dillon
Protect Yourself When You Live with a Significant Other
To learn about my software for legal agreements and authorizations, log on to my web site at Living Smart Guides. You will find all the information you need and it is easy and affordable. Remember, it's never too early (but it can be too late) to protect you and the ones that you love.
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